Infidelity in Your Marriage Stage I

Anyone who thought they signed up for a traditional, monogamous marriage, only to discover their partner had other ideas about monogamy, remembers the horrific moment they realized they had been betrayed. People have described being curled up in the fetal position unable to move, in bed for days, crying and/or screaming uncontrollably for days, rage, revenge, and on and on. The definition of betrayal: “an act of deliberate disloyalty,” “destroying someone’s trust” suggests why it is one of life’s more challenging lessons. Betrayal, particularly in a marriage, is done by someone close to us which contributes to the devastation. The one person we thought we could trust has been lying to us, and betrayed us emotionally and physically.

The Discovery


  1. Hire a therapist
  2. Take medication if necessary particularly so we can sleep
  3. Workout
  4. Eat
  5. Sleep
  6. Put one foot in front of the other

Once we get to a place where we know we will survive and the fog starts to clear a bit, there are so many practical questions. One set of questions arises if we choose to stay together and another if we separate. As a therapist, I cannot see how you can stay together unless you set some boundaries.


If your partner refuses to do either of these, it is probably best to separate. If your partner says he/she will stop the affair but will not get help, I am not optimistic. What happened and why did it happen are not addressed and you are at risk for the affair continuing or another one coming along at a different time. If you stay together and are in therapy with a competent therapist, all the questions about how to handle the children, the affair not letting go, seeing the affair, how to end the interactions, how to rebuild trust, etc. can be discussed with the therapist.

If your spouse refuses the above two boundaries and you separate, I highly recommend you go into therapy. You and the therapist can discuss how you will move forward when all you want to do is go to bed and stay under the covers. You should continue to do all the things that nurture your soul even if it means being at children’s events with “them”. Don’t get caught up in not letting “them” change your life. Go to what is important knowing that eventually your body will calm down when you see “them” and you will move forward. Reinventing yourself means introducing new things into your life. It can be a win-win if you focus on what is truly Important to you and take a stand for being a part of the events that are important to you and replacing the ones you can discard.

“Be strong because things will get better. It may be stormy now, but it never rains forever.”

© 2019 Dr. Anne Brown; Psychotherapist, Speaker, and Author of Backbone Power The Science of Saying No. Permission needed for any form of reproduction.

This article originally appeared at DivorceForce and re-published at Backbone Power — the author’s website.

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