Ways Divorced Parents Abandon Their Children

As we know from previous discussions about divorce, children are innocent victims and often find themselves on a road filled with emotional land mines. When a child loses his in-tact family good, bad, or ugly as the family may be, he experiences abandonment. However the family system has been set up, the system is no more. Parents may be blind to how the system is set up, but most children unconsciously know exactly how things work. There may be an easy parent, a tough parent, a sibling/parent who distracts, a sibling/parent who protects, a sibling/parent who is humorous, a sibling/parent who comforts for starters and this system will be broken up with divorce in a way that one home may not have all of these options any more for the child.

Loss of Protection/Comfort

Loss of Balance

Loss of Consistency for the Child’s World

Abandonment with a capital A

When we have a parent with children marrying someone without children, the children have to be honored by the new parent. Odds are you knew children were part of the package so move on if you are not ready to be a Mom/Dad to these children and/or support your partner in being the best parent he/she can. And as a parent, you need to be strong enough to stand up for your children “they come with me so”.

When two people meet and they both have children, all of the children have to be top priority. If you allow your wife/husband to bully you, the kids will learn that and the pecking order will be established in the same way with the kids. There are countless stories of parents abandoning their children in a blended family because of insecurity and no backbone. Blending families is not always easy but there are lots of resources and information to help you. It is your job to get the information on how to blend so all children and parents are a priority. The children have already been traumatized by divorce and they don’t need to be traumatized by joining a new family that isn’t safe. Healthy parents get help to put together a healthy blended family.

When you have made financial and emotional agreements of support to your children, these need to be announced to the new partner before you sign on the dotted line. If you promised your children support and education until 21 or the end of college and you marry someone who believes children should be on their own at 18 with no further support or education, it is your job to keep your commitment to your children. As the new spouse it is your job to accept and support this commitment. Finances may change and have to be creatively worked out but philosophical commitments e.g. 21 vs 18 should be honored.

Healthy parents look at all important commitments that have been made to the children and take a stand for their word.

Anyone can have a child and call themselves ‘a parent.’ A real parent is someone who puts that child above their own selfish needs and wants.

© 2019 Dr. Anne Brown; Psychotherapist, Speaker, and Author of Backbone Power The Science of Saying No. Permission needed for any form of reproduction.

This article originally appeared at DivorceForce and was re-published at Backbone Power — the author’s website.

Let’s connect! Visit my website and follow me on Twitter @scienceofno; Facebook: Backbonepower The Science of Saying No and Instagram.

Take control of your life! Know how and when to say no to requests. Check out new release: “Backbone Power The Science of Saying No updated and abridged Audiobook” narrated by Dr. Anne Brown, the author herself. Do the exercises and see results! Click here.

Psychotherapist, Speaker, Coach, and Author of “Backbone Power The Science of Saying No” www.backbonepower.com | New Release Audiobook: http://bit.ly/2VMTr9W